This week's blog - March 15, 2010

Here are some of the e-mail question and answers I have received over the last month.

- "His technique stinks . . . talks negative about dating . . .no chivalry . . . seems to disappear if you get too excited about him - What should I do?"

- "He wants to talk about sex even though we have only dated for one month and I feel uncomfortable . . ." - It's important that you . . .

- "He wants to have phone sex" - Will he . . .

- "Do I need to respond to someone on the internet that makes me uncomfortable" - Giving no response is . . .

- "I have a no kissing rule. - Is it a good idea?"

 

Previous Blogs:

Read the Feb. 22th blog, click here.

Read the Feb. 15th blog, click here.

Read the Feb. 8th blog, click here.

Read the Feb. 1st blog, click here.

Read the Oct. 19th blog, click here.

Read the Sept. 28th blog, click here.

Read the Sept. 7th blog, click here.

Read Chapter 1's blog, click here.

Read Chapter 2's blog, click here.

Read Chapter 3's blog, click here.

 

"His technique stinks . . . talks negative about dating . . .no chivalry . . . seems to disappear if you get too excited about him - What should I do?"

Wouldn't it be so nice to smile and say, "Hey dude. Your technique stinks." Instead, I recommend that you just trust that he will hear and find what he needs for success from someone else.

If he does ask you out again say, "I would love to go on a date with you but I can't tonight. How about Friday night instead." or you will set yourself up for the good-for-now trap. Then while on the date, if he starts acting negative about relationships change the subject and if he keeps coming back to it state, "It seems like you aren't feeling too hopeful about dating and relationships. I really don't know what to say or do when you talk about this. I think you are a great guy. Let's just have fun and take your mind off of your past for a while."  - - - or something like that. Just a thought. The point is if you say something he might clue in to what he is doing.

In terms of easing up the rules, sure. You need to use your discretion based on an individual situation; however, too much easing up will just land you in the "just" friends, good-for-now or too-nice traps. So be carefully.

If he is a quite and shy guy, if you warmly say, " I would love to do that another night. How about Friday" he should follow up with you and schedule the date. Trust that men are men and they know how to pursue what they want when they really want it. Guys will resolve their issues without our intervention. Play your role and trust that he knows how to play his and will play it.

Keep flirting with three guys on a regular basis and you will feel less anxiety about some of these issues.

And, when on a first or second date if you think a guy will worry you are too into him and back off, touch him on the arm and warmly say at the end of the date, "I had a lot of fun. I am dating others as I am sure you are to, but I would love to keep having fun and just see where this goes." You may think there is no need to mention that you are dating others, but it is amazing how much those four words can take the pressure off, especially when they are followed by "Let's keep having fun and see where this goes." This works really well with the guys who tend to over think things, especially if you act really warm and feminine, lean forward, give compliments, and touch him briefly throughout the date. If you act cool and mysterious during the date, he isn't going to call again for that reason not because you said you are dating others.  This technique often takes a little encouraging before people will try it but if you get it right it works like a charm.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

Alisa

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"He wants to talk about sex even though we have only dated for one month and I feel uncomfortable . . ." - It's important that you . . .

I think it is important that you show him you can and are willing to talk about difficult issues such as sex, but you also need to see if he will respect your feelings and needs.

I suggest you say to him, "I know I will not abandon my husband's or my own sexual needs in marriage; however, the only way I can show or prove this to you is as we develop a relationship in time. Only then will you will see that I  consistently hear, invest, and engage in meeting your needs and that I am proactive about handling my problems. These are the two qualities that are essential to successful relationships, both emotionally and sexually. If in time you see this empathy and care for your feelings along with a pattern to take action to resolve problems, you will be able to if sexual issues arise in marriage  I won't forgot your needs  and I won't deny or ignore the problem, just as I didn't forget your feelings or ignore problems while dating. I have strong religious and moral values, which means I can not be sexual with you before marriage. I need you to respect my needs as well. If in time you decide to trust how I handle my life and you, I believe you will have confidence that I will  be a good wife, inside and outside of the bedroom. This is all the assurance I can give you." 

If this is not enough for him and he wants sexual contact to increase his confidence than he is  manipulating you and acting selfishly, which was probably a complaint of his wife's as well.

I hope this answers your question. Keep to your values. Trust God and the process and you will be protected from many varieties of manipulations and abusive relationships.

Good luck,

Alisa

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"He wants to have phone sex" - Will he . . .

The important point here is if he will pursue what he needs in a way that respects both your needs, not just his. If you don't feel comfortable with phone sex (which I believe is not consistent with church values or teachings) than you need to assert your feelings of discomfort with it. Tell him what you do feel comfortable with and see how he responds.  For example, "I don't feel comfortable having in depth or sensual conversations about sex in the early stages of dating. I do feel comfortable having practical and educational conversations about sex when engaged and prior to marriage. I don't feel comfortable engaging in random sexual contact, even if we aren't having sexual intercourse. I do feel comfortable kissing and showing sweet affection."

I hope that helps. His response will reveal his intentions (i.e. to get what he wants or to negotiate and find a way to meet both of your needs because your feelings matter too).

Good luck.

Let me know how it works out.

Alisa

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"Do I need to respond to someone on the internet that makes me uncomfortable?" - Giving no response is . . .

Giving no response is definitely an appropriate response when you feel uncomfortable on line. You don't want to encourage strangers who you already know you do not want to meet.

Good job,

Alisa

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"I have a no kissing rule. - Is it a good idea?"

The questions I would have you ask yourself - Is this no kissing rule friendly to the male psychology? Will it meet a man's needs when we are dating? Is there another way to meet his needs without kissing or does kissing fulfill a need that nothing else will?

I do not believe in sexual contact before marriage and I encourage clients to keep their kissing and affection simple, to two minutes or less - thus they eliminate the threat of making out or sexual contact. However, simple touching and affection while dating play an important role in the development of relationships and the fulfillment of emotional needs.

If you are dating an emotionally mature man who has empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility he will  respect your boundaries and not go any further than you feel comfortable but I worry that if you never touch him, cuddle with him, or kiss him his needs in the relationship will not be met. You need to decide if you can create the bond and affection a man and woman need to progress toward marriage without kissing or if kissing is an essential part of the process. You also need to know if you can trust him and you to keep your affection simple if you do kiss. If you are with the right kinds of men you can work on this goal together and succeed. Afterall relationships need to be something negotiated and established together to meet both parties needs not just the needs of one.

So I guess I didn't answer your question but instead posed several other. Nonetheless I hope this helps.

Alisa

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