Spring 2008

 The Dating Game Newsletter

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Yes! It is a dating game.

Like it or not, it really is best to view dating as a dating game. 

The good news is, your lack of success in the game is not personal.  You’re not the problem, your technique is the problem.  You’re not being rejected. Your strategies for playing the game are just failing you.  Anyone can learn a new technique.  Anyone can change their approach with the opposite sex.  You can discover the secrets you need to win the dating game. 

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"Spring Clean Your

Love Life"

 

Whether you are dating very little or are stagnant in a current relationship, here are some basic tips for improving your love life.

Click on the following links to view the topics that interest you.

• Unlucky in love?
• Does she like me? How do I know?
• Should I stay or should I go?
• Dumped?
• Single again?
• Building the relationship?

 

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Un-lucky in love?

Not dating? 

Haven’t been in a relationship for a long time? 

Don’t know why? 

It’s too simple but true - you probably do not look men in the eyes and smile.  A real smile!  Not just that dry, half turned up smile that you greet fellow co-workers with as you glance up from your work project.  A real smile.  One that says, “I like you.”  One with warmth, charm, or even a coy grin.  You can do it.  Flirting is a must if you are going to date.  Blind dates don’t come around very often.  You need to do more if you are going to find lasting love. 

And NO, your lack of dating is not because:

• your career or education intimidates men
• there are no good men left, or
• men are too shallow to appreciate a full-figured, normal looking woman

If you think flirting is passé, foolish, or beneath you, you do not understand what it means to the male psychology.  Flirting, at its finest, is not the giggling, bizarre and obnoxious behavior of simple-minded women.  It is the art of making people feel liked, valued, and comfortable (but not in a grandmotherly or sisterly way).  It is a coy smile that says he is charming.”  A warm touch that makes him feel confident.  A gentle and encouraging word that convinces him he would enjoy the challenge and reward of dating you. 

Flirting is a woman’s way of sending a message to the single men around her that she is approachable and available.  After all, a good man would never pursue a woman who seemed unavailable.  If you wait for that knight in shining armor who will pursue you in spite of your frumpy appearance and obvious frown, you might only discover that when (or if) he comes, he is simply a traitor and a tyrant who was looking for the vulnerability that loneliness and passivity create. 

Good relationships don’t happen without investment, risk, and commitment.  So:

• Accept that flirting is your best tool for spring-cleaning your love life in 2008
• Go get a makeover and some new fashionable clothes (because you won’t flirt when he looks good.  You will only flirt when YOU look good)
• Pray for the courage to look men in the eyes and smile while in your everyday life (at grocery stores, restaurants, video stores, etc.)
  
• Go where other singles are (with a commitment to yourself and a friend that you will not leave until you have warmly smiled at three men from across the room, learned the name of those men who approached you, and given several sincere compliments to others at the event).
  

When doing this, measure your success not in dates but in your own personal progress because when you work at your skills in the dating game, you can be assured that you will eventually win the game.

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“Does she like me?  How do I know?”

Does she:

• look you in the eyes and smile?
  
• say your name?
  
• ask you questions about yourself, your day, your interests?
• touch you?

Then yes, she likes you! 

Perhaps, you know these signs already, but you still doubt them!  Rejection isn’t fun for anyone and most men avoid it when they can; however, there are several things men don’t understand about the female psychology and how to get a woman’s attention.  The way a man handles rejection has a lot to do with his success in attracting women.  Women like strength and confidence in men.   Women also like to be pursued.  This is part of the reason why jerks seem to have so much success with women.  They pursue women, don’t take no for an answer, and act arrogantly indifferent when they are rejected, which makes them look confident. 

This may beg you to ask the question (as most good men have at some point), “Do I have to be a jerk to get attention from the women I like?”  Absolutely not!  Women really do want nice men.  They do not masochistically crave being cheated on, lied to, manipulated, or abused.  A woman’s primary need is to feel safe and secure and, as a good man, you can provide that.  The problem is you don’t understand the female psychology, so you don’t know that getting the attention of women is simpler than you think. 

The secret to your future success begins first with developing a great rejection plan.  Yes!  You need to pursue rejection, handle it gracefully (and confidently), and then you will get the attention of women. 

To begin:

1. Every day for one week, spend 20 minutes visualizing yourself approaching a woman you are confident won’t reject you (preferably someone you know).  Imagine yourself standing confidently with your shoulders squared and possibly your hands in your pocket or casually at your side.  Imagine yourself smiling, having a good conversation and then casually asking if you can call her sometime.  Envision her smiling at you and happily giving you her number.  Do this activity until you can visualize it without feeling any anxiety.
2. Then, visualize yourself approaching a very beautiful woman (preferably someone you know).  Repeat in your mind how you looked, felt and acted prior to asking for the other woman’s number from the first visualization.  When you can visualize yourself acting and feeling as confident as you did in the first, then visualize yourself asking the woman for her number.  However, this time imagine that she gently says, “I am sorry but I am not interested.”  At this point, smile at her confidently, give her a wink, and then tell her, “I like girls who are straightforward and honest.  That was great.”  Then imagine gently touching her on her upper arm and saying, “It truly was a pleasure to meet you.  I hope you have a great day.”  Smile and confidently walk away, repeating in your mind, “I handled that like a pro.”
3. Once you can visualize doing this, strike out and do step 1 with someone like the woman you imagined (but preferably not someone you know).  However, this time, expect rejection and handle it as you did in step 2.  If you aren’t rejected, bummer, you missed a great opportunity to show how well you could handle it.  Sure, call her later, but don’t give up on this activity.  Keep pursuing attractive women so you can use your gracious and confident skills for handling rejection.  You need the practice.  You won’t likely see her again anyway.

This technique may sound strange but if you knew how attractive men become when they handle rejection confidently, you would not think it strange at all.  If you doubt this advice, ask several women and they will all agree.  When a guy handles rejection well, they often secretly wish they could get a second chance to get to know him.

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“Should I stay or should I go”
Does this relationship have a chance for lasting success and happiness?

Is there a history of:

•  dishonesty
•  secretive behavior
  
•  abuse
  
•  addiction
  
•  infidelity
  
•  or manipulation?
  

Some relationships can be repaired after such traumatic injuries.  Some cannot! 

If you are in a relationship with someone who has a history of lying, cheating, manipulating, abusing substances, acting controlling, or being downright abusive, you know you are not in a secure and emotionally mature relationship, at least not right now. 

It’s that eternal sense of hope that the other person will change, that keeps you going.  But, will that change really come?  Will it last? 

Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man helps you distinguish between those men who are likely to act abusive and manipulative and those men who are likely to act emotionally mature as they resolve their problems (as evidenced by their skills of empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility). 

If the man or woman you are dating seems to:

1. blame everyone else for his/her mistakes, problems, or weaknesses (lack of personal responsibility)
2. get angry, blaming, shaming, rejecting, or belittling when you share your feelings or needs with him/her (lack of empathy)
3. do little more than talk about wanting to change (lack of self-control)

you can be assured that they do not have the emotional maturity to truly abandon their behaviors.  They will not understand how they have hurt you (at least not beyond words).  And, they will likely do it again. 

Chapters 3, 4, 5, and appendix a and b of Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man are dedicated to helping you understand, develop, and expect these important skills in your relationships.  Marital relationships can be immensely rewarding when you are with someone who has these skills and excruciatingly difficult (or dangerous) when you are with someone who does not. 

So, if you are in a relationship with someone who has lied, cheated, manipulated, or abused you and they do not have these skills, get out.  They are probably not emotionally mature.  If they are emotionally mature, and have had an unusual lapse in judgment by committing one of these violations to the relationship (not as a pattern but as a single incident), then they should be willing to:

• get counseling
• read books
  
• focus on you and your feelings about their behavior
  
• change their behavior
• and earn your trust

over a period of four to six months (at a minimum).  If they can’t or won’t do at least that much to repair the damage they have caused in the relationship, then you have your answer, “You should go!”

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Dumped?

• Do you have lots of first dates but few second dates?
• Do you feel excited about new relationship but they fizzle before long? 
• Do you feel doomed to be lonely or fear you are doing something wrong?

If you seem to cycle through relationships every few weeks or months, there may be several things you are doing wrong. 

Women, you may be taking away the challenge, acting too available, or having sexual contact early in the relationship.  These mistakes are common but contribute greatly to why a man loses interest by the third to sixth week.  Perhaps you think that playing hard to get is old fashioned, too restricting for you, or too challenging for men (thus they won’t pursue you); but, ask yourself, “Is what I'm doing really working?” 

Men are driven to face challenges, succeed and conquer.  Furthermore, men do not fall in love through sex.  Men fall in love through time, energy, and investment.  Men love through sacrifice and the more deeply they sacrifice the more deeply they love.  Thus, if you take away the challenge, do all the work, and make yourself excessively available and easy, men will become bored with you.

Instead, act loving, warm, charming, sweet, appreciative, and affectionate (meaning simple touches on his arm, short kisses, hand holding, hugs, etc.), while:

• ending the evening by 11 p.m. 
  
• not answering his calls immediately (but calling him back within a few hours)
  
• only accepting dates if given 24 - 48 hours notice (or more)
  
• and pacing your phone calls to him based on every 2 to 3 calls he has placed to you.
  

These tips along with dozens of other tips are available in the BE CONFIDENT and BE SUCCESSFUL sections of Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man. They are based on the 17 secrets to the male psychology and supported by concepts that have been proven to get and keep men in pursuit of women.  Although you may doubt that men will pursue you if you give them a reasonable challenge, you have no idea how much more successful you will be until you give it a try.

Men, if you are getting dumped frequently, there are two possible reasons.  Perhaps your behaviors are threatening your date’s feelings of safety and security (which are a woman’s primary needs).  If this is the problem, you really need feedback, preferably from a woman you have dated in the past. 

Another explanation could be that you have fallen into the ‘good guy’ trap, meaning you are too nice, too available, too accommodating, etc.  Again, women like nice men who make them feel safe and secure; however, women are also attracted to strength, confidence, and men who are assertive.  If you are too nice a woman will simply not feel as passionate about you.  The chemistry will not be as strong and she will not trust or respect you as much as you may deserve (because you don’t act as if you deserve it). 

The secret to changing this pattern is saying ‘no’ sometimes (for example, “I am sorry.  I would love to see you tonight, but I really need to study.” “You know I love to help you, but I want to see my friends tonight.  I will come over tomorrow to take care of that. Okay!”). 
Saying no does not make a woman feel less safe and secure.  In fact it does quite the opposite.  Women do not trust men who never say no to them.  They always doubt whether or not he is truly sincere.  If you say yes to a woman 80 to 90 percent of the time and say no 10 to 20 percent of the time, you will find that she values and respects you more, she feels more passionate about you, and she takes your thoughts and opinions more seriously.

For those men and women who are doing the dumping, you may ask, ”What’s wrong?  Is it my date or is it me?”
Perhaps you frequently feel bored in relationships or anxious about commitment.  Perhaps you want a relationship but you don’t want to settle and you can’t imagine putting up with the little quirks and problems that your date has.  Perhaps you have a habit of dating people you know you should not marry.  Or perhaps, you doubt your judgment and fear making a mistake.

First, avoid over-thinking the process.  The first three to six weeks of dating should just be fun, light-hearted, and easy going (especially if you are dating an emotionally mature person).  If you add up your date’s good and bad qualities and feel pressure to commit to him/her here and now, you will rarely get past the third week.  If your date acts ‘too into you’ too quickly (hint, hint - too nice, too available, too clingy), you may feel additional pressure and conclude, “This relationship isn’t the one.  Best to end it now before it hurts him/her more.” 

The problem with this approach is the pressure you are putting into the process.  So instead, define the top 10 qualities you are looking for (the top 5 of which are non-negotiable).  When you meet someone who initially fits these qualities, commit yourself to not analyze the relationship until you have dated him/her three months.  Then, just focus on having fun and getting to know the person. 

The more you sacrifice for the relationship over those three months, the more you may discover that you do in fact feel passion and excitement when with him/her (which is another reason you may be caught in this bored or overanxious dilemma - you haven’t been sacrificing enough to really grow attached to him/her).  Sacrifice is deeply connected to love and without it you cannot truly enjoy or appreciate the other person and what they have to offer.

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Single Again?

You rarely hear married people saying, “I wish I was still out there, dating, experiencing rejection and suffering frequent loneliness.  Boy! I sure miss those days.”  Not surprisingly, you may not be excited about being single again with all of it’s doubt, vulnerability, and loneliness.  But don’t despair. There is a way to find lasting love.

The first thing men and women need to know about being single again, is watch out!  You are vulnerable (especially if you haven’t taken a year off after a major break up, divorce, or loss of a spouse).  A potentially abusive and manipulative person can see your emotional vulnerability and will likely prey on your emotions to create dependency and exploit your financial stability.  This "amazing" new relationship will quickly turn into a nightmare if you don’t know what warning signs to look for (men and women alike can refer to chapters 2 - 6 of Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man to identify the potentially abusive and manipulative in three dates).

Second, your first relationship (even if you take time off) will likely mirror your worst relationship.  Map out the early warning signs (both within your behavior and the other person’s behaviors) that would tell you you are getting back into a bad relationship pattern (refer to Chapter 7 of Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man).  Once you see these early warning signs in the new relationship, choose to end all contact with that person.  Doing this will send an unconscious message to others that you are ready for a new and better relationship.  Stay vigilant in your efforts to recognize these warning signs. 

Remember that it is not enough to know what you don’t want.  If you are to find what you are looking for, you must know what you do want and how to recognize it when you see it. Be specific about what you are looking for.  Break it into a top 10 list, with the top 5 being non-negotiable.  Have faith that you can and will have the opportunity to marry the kind of person you are looking for. Be the kind of person that the person you described would be looking for.

When dating (as long as the person that you are dating does not have the warning signs described in Chapter 5 of Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man), enjoy the first three to six weeks of dating.  Try not to over-think the process.  Just practice your dating skills so you will be better prepared for a good relationship when you see it.

Stop dating someone after three to six weeks that does not match your top 10 list. When dating someone who does match your top 10 list, invest more fully in the relationship and them.  You cannot develop love, passion, or chemistry if you do not engage fully in the relationship. 

Women should match the man's investment but not exceed it (if he calls three times, be sure to call him once or twice, just not more often then he is calling).  Men, invest in her.  Sacrifice for the relationship.  The more deeply you sacrifice the more deeply you will love. 

(For women who want more specific dating advice and tips, refer to Chapters 8 - 17 of Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man.)

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Building the Relationship

Whether you are building a new relationship, improving an existing relationship, or repairing a struggling relationship, there are lots of things you can do to spring clean your relationship skills.  Here are a few tips for identifying bad habits and making new good habits:

The most important tool for building a loving relationship is knowing your partner’s primary love language.  The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman (1995, Northfield Publishing), describes five ways in which men and women feel love: 

• touch
  
• words
  
• acts of service
  
• gifts
  
• time together

The problem is that most people give love the way they like to receive love, not necessarily the way the other person needs love.  Understanding what the other person needs (and giving it to them in the way they need) is important.  Thus, these five languages are an absolute must for building a strong and secure relationship.

Stress will come to every relationship.  It is not the problems that a couple experiences that lead to separation.  It is how the couple handles these problems.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman (2004, Orion Publishing), describes the relationship patterns that are most likely to lead to divorce.  These patterns include:

• criticism (using statements like, “You always forget to . . . “, “You never . . .)
  
• contempt (making personal attacks, “You are so . . . “)
  
• defensiveness (arguing your point rather than hearing the other person’s point)
  
• stonewalling (walking away from the other person without coming back to the issue, rolling your eyes, not engaging in the relationship, threatening to break up)
  

When these relationship patterns take hold of the relationship and the positive to negative ratio become less than 5 to 1, break up will become likely.  Thus, you must learn good communication skills and commit yourself to avoiding these poor relationship patterns at all costs. 

If you are trying to move a relationship toward engagement and marriage with no success, ask yourself the following questions:

• Have I made the relationship too comfortable, stale, or convenient?
  
• Have I acted in a critical, nagging or controlling way?
  
• Does my partner see me as unhappy or depressed?
  

If you answer yes to the above, your behaviors may be discouraging your partner from making further commitments. However, incorporating the following step-by-step suggestions may help turn the relationship around (possibly leading to engagement within six months): 

1. Learn how to provide your partner’s number one need.  Men need to feel a woman has faith and trust in their competence.  Women need to feel safe and secure.  Find out how he/she needs you to do this in the relationship.
   
2. Invest in your partner’s top three love languages.  Never withhold his/her love languages as a punishment or to prove a point.
   
3. Coach your partner with positive feedback and direction (about the relationship), so he/she can feel successful in making you happy.
   
4. After you have worked on steps 1 - 3 for a few months, briefly explain to your partner that you will need a commitment by a set date or you will need to reconsider the relationship.  Don’t dwell on this point.  Just state it and trust that he/she heard you. 
   
5. Then, (while continuing steps 1 - 3) be less available for drop-in visits.  Instead, encourage planned events or date nights.
   
6. Spend time with friends and family. 
   
7. Pursue your interests and hobbies.
   
8. Work on your individual happiness and personal issues while remaining warm, loving, and encouraging in the relationship.
   
9. When you are convinced it is time and you are ready to follow through, let him/her know you need to get engaged or move on.

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Disclaimer

In this newsletter the editor, Alisa Goodwin Snell, gives general principles derived from her education, experience, training, and life observations intended to help the reader evaluate the suitability of personal relationships.  This newsletter gives tools to evaluate a relationship with general suggestions for some situations, but this newsletter does not attempt to tell you what to do in any specific relationship.  The interaction of personalities in all human relationships is complex.  While the principles discussed in this newsletter should be helpful to all, the decision to enter, stay in, or leave a relationship with the risks that follow are always your own decision, and should be made with carfeul consideration of your total circumstances.

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